Lock and Key
I spent the better part of a decade hating mornings. I was working crazy hours and going to school. In the midst of all that chronic stress I was trying to have a relationship with Jesus. The evangelical church taught me that in order to have full days where I had the ability to love and be patient I needed to read my Bible, worship and examine my for “sin”. I tried this for years but could never build the practice. I would see others doing it and felt like a failure day after day. I thought something must be working with me that I’m not willing to sacrifice rest for the gift of being with Jesus. He would not use me the way he used others in the church.
In 2020, after two years of processing and recognized how broken my body and soul were I chose to leave Christianity. Instantly I stopped having FaceTime and/or Quiet Time, listening to worship music. The bible came a year later and making that choice was one of the best things I did for myself. I slept and woke up when I needed to and went about my day doing work I loved. I started working out in the morning and that gave my body what it needed. I realized that I was taught to disconnect from myself because in FaceTime I would connect to God and that is all I needed. The phrase we recommended to use in prayer was “More of You Jesus and less of me”. I lived my entire childhood and adolescence disconnected from my self. I was so desperate for connection I believed that simple prayer would fix the years of trauma that led to that disconnection from my humanity. I kept telling myself “God be greater than my flesh”. Waiting for this otherworldly God to take away the desire to sleep in the morning, the desire to please myself (masturbate) and the desire to go out with my friends to dance and drink. I was in a prison that was my body which the church created and made me warden of. I had the key but was fooled into thinking that I was free and I would find peace. Every year I felt like a failure because I didn’t find peace but learned to “fake it until I made it” as people say. I believed my lie and everyone affirmed me for what I accomplished. I was the the faithful servant, a woman who ran after Jesus. A soft heart the God could mold. I lived to fit those molds because I wanted to be loved.
Here I am in 2022 stripped of all those expectations and stereotypes. I am happier than I can remember. Happy doesn’t mean that I have not felt lost or battled the lies the church taught me. It means that I am free to explore and discover what I find meaningful. I get to experience Creator in the places I feel safe where staying in my body is not dangerous. My body is not a place of fear to dominate and keep under lock and key. She is free and that has saved my life.